It seems like everywhere I turn, there are conversations and/or events surrounding loss and grief. With Valentine’s day around the corner and the competing thoughts of love, joy, and happiness, it brings to mind the very nature of the life we live as humans – the dichotomy of what it means to live in love and loss – as we share our lives with others.
So, as we approach Valentine’s day, some might have thoughts on planning happy, maybe romantic occasions, while others are dealing with much sadness and grief. Valentines was always a special holiday for me and my father always made it special for me and my sisters. Nothing major, but always acknowledged – a box of chocolates, flowers and often handmade cards! When he died nine years ago, on Valentine’s day, my heart was indeed broken.
My life had plenty of up’s and downs till that point, but nothing really prepared me for the onrush of grief and emotion that might accompany one with this kind of event.
My father was a very gregarious and loving man and also happened to be one of my best friends. We spoke almost daily and often about the most mundane of topics…. He listened, he paid attention and was always interested in what was going on in my life – his opinions were always of value to me, especially when it came to subjects of the heart and relationships. He was a great daughter dad!
After his death, I remember the feeling of being untethered to the world I was living – what would life be like with this major void, for not only me but my family as well.
Like many people experiencing grief and loss, I searched for meaning and answers; mostly in vain. I tried to find a place for my sadness, (which occupied a large part of my being). Professionally and perhaps intellectually I understood the process of grieving but when trying to apply these principles to my own life, I remember distinctly feeling like there was no category familiar for me to utilize that would make sense with the rest of my world.
In my efforts to reason with it all, I started buying books (which is something I have always done). Books to help me understand and connect my emotions with something tangible and logical. Nothing made sense.
My heart was in pain, literally. I picked up a book I had actually owned for years but until then had only just flipped through. The saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears”, was never truer. I was reading The Prophet – by Kahlil Gibran and I would like to share the passage of Joy and Sorrow:
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Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow”, and others say “Nay, sorrow is great the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
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I read the passage many times – I understood what it was saying but it took awhile to sink in and become a part of my grief experience. Not only profound but truthful in that my pain was in equal measure to the love I had for my father and for how much space he occupied in mine and my family’s lives. I remember thinking “great, if you love someone so much, this is what you get for losing them?” It was like a door opening that I wasn’t ready to walk into.
It didn’t seem fair to me, but over time, what developed out of this was a deep sense of gratitude towards my father because it allowed me to realize how fortunate I was to have had him in my life. How my life was shaped by his presence in it. And ultimately, how fortunate I was for having him at all, even if I couldn’t hold on forever.
This set me on a path of looking for ways to enrich other areas of my life, with relationships and otherwise. I set on a practice to find gratitude wherever I could! It didn’t happen overnight but was a place to start.
It took a while to open my heart in lightness and love on Valentine’s day particularly, but then I figured that it was my father’s way of making sure I remember him – a man with a huge heart, who had the ability to make others always feel loved and cared for, on one his favorite days.
The path to gratitude is different for everyone. As humans, we have a tendency towards attachments with others and things. Often, when those things go away, we are filled with sadness and grief, even if at different degrees. Having a sense of gratitude for what we have can really help us live our lives much more fully in the day to day experience with ourselves and with those around us. It helps keep our mind in appreciation mode for what we have, and not for what we don’t. It’s a muscle to strengthen to allow us to feel a greater sense of joy and wonder about the world we live and our place in it!
I would love to hear from you about your own practice of gratitude or steps you take to help yourself align with what is important to you in your life. Please send me a note and let me know. Hoping you all have a great day and a loving, joyful Valentines!
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